Excuse me for my ignorance with this thing called blogging. A friend gave me the idea months ago and after the night I had last night, I knew I had to do something to start healing myself from all of the negativity, anger, resentment, etc., etc. that I’ve been carrying for so many years.

Where to start….on the outside I come across as a happy, funny, cool to hang around with kind of woman. I “seem” confident (fake it til you make it, right?) to new people which is so strange to me because on the inside I am broken. Like most people, I have days that are good and then I have days that are downright unbearable. I’m starting this blog to not only try to help myself get through some difficult things I’ve not tackled in my life, and there are many, but also to hopefully get through to someone else that could be going through the same things and offer up any hope I can muster.

I went out with a great friend last night, he’s like a brother to me and is fiercely protective of me. We’ve known each other for 25 years and I value his friendship immensely. He’s an “uncle” to my girls and even though we fell out of touch for a few years due to some stupid misunderstanding, probably on my part, b/c that’s what I do, I still consider him one of my tribe…..which is getting ever smaller on this journey I’m going through….I digress…..I had a few drinks and had a good buzz going. He came over and we hung out until after midnight. After he left, things went off the rails.

So here’s the deal…..I have been married for just over 21 1/2 years to a truly amazing man. I will never say a nasty thing about him. I will always love him and once the sting is gone we can hopefully be friends. It’s what we both want. I left because I was never accepted by his family and they literally broke me. I never had the best confidence but what little I had, they took away. I don’t blame my husband, but I resent him and it just became too much for me. I just couldn’t forgive him for not defending me from their nasty comments, etc. I fell out of love about 5 years ago…..the last 2 years have been very hard b/c I knew the ultimate end was coming and I just didn’t know how to do it. I won’t get into details but mid-June something happened and all of the resentment came flooding back with a vengeance. It was time, but I was so scared. I’ve never been on my own. Sure I make enough money to support myself, and my kids are out of high school but how would they take it? As I always have, I was putting everyone else before myself. I’ve never been put first in a relationship and hell, why should I? I don’t even put myself first!

Then the twist came…..I knew the Universe was working in the background b/c I kept getting the usual signs (seeing 11:11 is a huge one for me) but I had no idea what was about to happen and it’s turned my world upside down. I hadn’t yet told my husband I wanted a divorce but I was working up the courage. I didn’t want to hurt him, I never wanted that, but there was no way around it. I was on FB one night and came across the page of someone that I knew from way back in the day. I used to go to a lot of local concerts and had some of the best days of my life during that time. I came across a post that talked about the passing of a guy that I knew back then. He was always so sweet and not the typical asshole, full-of-himself “band guy”. He’s been gone for several years but I posted on the page something to the effect of how surprised and sad I was to hear about his passing. Within a few minutes, my Messenger pinged and a familiar name popped up. Someone from high school….I’d actually had a mad crush on back in the day that I would NEVER have had the courage to talk to. He asked how I knew this friend that had passed as they were in a band together. He couldn’t believe we’d never talked. Those days are a blur as I was drunk most of the time but I don’t remember us ever talking. We reminisced for what seemed like hours about the “old” days and ended the conversation with me thinking nothing of it. I even told my husband about it, just like a “hey, funniest thing just happened….” We were always open and honest with each other and neither of us ever had jealousy issues. I chalked it up to a one time conversation and went on with the night. The next evening, I was at the salon getting my hair done and my Messenger pinged. It said “Hey, you want to bullshit later?” Again, thinking nothing of it, I said sure…..I liked reliving the days of my younger years. I still thought nothing of it. The next night came and relationships were brought up. I don’t remember how or why but I did express that I was in the process of asking for a divorce. He’d also had a bad relationship that he was trying to move on from. We talked about things we had in common. He said he’d been waiting a billion years for the right woman to come along and he guessed he’d wait a billion more. What came out of my mouth (or my fingers, really….) was a shock even to me. I said “Who knows, maybe it’s me.” And I sat there in shock b/c I had felt nothing up to this point. So I waited for his response, fully expecting him to gloss over it. He sent back what I said in the form of a question and I responded with “You never know.” Then it happened……he said “I think you might be.” This was NOT what I needed. I hadn’t even asked for a divorce yet. The more we talked, the more it became clear that I had feelings for him that seemed familiar. Like maybe we’d been together before….maybe in past life? Yes, I believe in that stuff….don’t judge. Fast forward, not really, it was only a week…..but I told my husband on a Thursday (not the original plan, but I was physically sick over it. I’d never lied to him and here I was emotionally “cheating” on him and it killed me but I was happy for the first time in so long…..) The next night, my husband asked about this person that I had been talking to. He’d seen his name on my timeline (some stupid pick your top 10 favorite albums that affected you life shit) and put two and two together. He asked if he was the reason we were getting divorced. Emphatically I stated no. I can say it with a clear conscience, the marriage was over. He then asked if there was a connection. I couldn’t lie, and I didn’t, I told him there was but I needed to and was still planning on working on finding myself b/c I’ve been a lost soul for so long. The timing of this new relationship or whatever it was, was just for shit. We’d discussed waiting until the end of August to tell our girls and then I would move out. Two days later, we talked again and agreed that we just couldn’t do it. He was devastated and seeing him like that was crushing to me.

Then I did it…….it was stupid and on a whim but I needed to know if these feelings I had were “real” and if this man from my past was screwing with me or being real. I needed to know and the only way to do that was to see his face, look into his eyes and just see. He lives two states away…..many hours of drive time but I picked up on Saturday afternoon and made the trek. He gave me a huge hug and it felt like I was home. It was like no time had passed and we were just meant to be. I’m not an advocate of jumping from an almost 22 year marriage into another relationship and I’ve struggled with it, but again, the happiness I felt when I was with him, or talking to him could not compare to anything I’ve ever felt. I have butterflies constantly b/c I’m always thinking about him……this is the point that I went off the rails…..

After my friend left, this incredible being texted me to let me to tell me good night and he hoped I was ok. Here comes the self sabotage….wait for it. His ex decided to come home on the one weekend that I had 3 days off and had taken an additional 2 vacation days and I was going up to see him. I was beyond happy and could not wait to see him, kiss him, etc. She’d been gone for 6 months and out of the blue decides to come “home” (they are living as roommates) on that same weekend. Save your “OMG he’s totally screwing her and leading you on” bullshit b/c I’m not necessarily threatened by her but to know they are in the same space is incredibly difficult for me. So, I run my mouth and I say things I can’t take back (alcohol….ugh).

This morning I wake up to a text that I interpret as him telling me he’s done. My heart sank. I cried. I beat myself up for ruining something that although had come at a bad time, was such a blessing to me and had given me hope for the first time in a long time. I texted back something to the effect of was I that easy to let go. Then I waited……and he called. I scared him the way I was talking that night and he interpreted it as I was giving up. I cannot begin to explain the love I have in my heart for this man; how quickly I fell for him and how utterly terrifying it all is to me. The voice in my head tells me it’s too good to be true and wonders if he’s messing with her but my heart tells me not to worry.

So here I sit…..wallowing in my own self pity. I’m always the one to give a friend a pep talk, but with myself, it’s like I try to find ways to ruin a good thing. It’s frustrating as hell. I’m doing my best to trust the process. I think this momentary roadblock was put here by the Universe as a way for me to work on myself and get through all the mess I’ve yet to deal with from as far back as when I was 5 years old. I have a lot of baggage. I can only pray that he can stick with me while I try to work the miracle of “fixing” what’s broken inside of me so that he has the best version of me. I love hard and I want nothing more than to grow old with this person. Again, I love him in a way that can never be explained. It almost hurts…..but it a good way. I can’t lose him. I’m holding on for dear life and will make it my life’s mission not to fuck it up.

Judge if you will…..shit, I’ve judged myself. I’m a heartless bitch…..putting my husband through this. Putting this man who has been nothing but amazing to me on this roller-coaster of my emotions isn’t fair to him. So I started this blog. I’ll never use names, I owe everyone involved that respect. I won’t share this but with a very select few and they know not to share it with others. This is just an outlet I need to get me through this process of finally loving myself again and being able to accept the fact that there is someone out there that is capable of handling me and loving me for who I am. This process will be difficult as I will be posting about things from my past that have molded me into the mess that I am. But I will come out on top. I have been through some really intense stuff in my life and I always make it out the other end okay. I just have to trust the process…..I’m trying and I will have the life I’ve always dreamed of, I just have to be patient and have faith.