Does anyone really show people their true self these days? Does anyone really even KNOW their true self? I think we all in some way or another wear a mask, either sometimes, all the time or just around certain people. We adapt to our surroundings, right? But why? Why can’t we just be real? Because we’re scared of what people think of us and fear judgement? Sadly, I’m one of those people. This is something that I’ve struggled with my entire life, but shit’s about to change.

Growing up, I was very withdrawn due to the molestation I dealt with at age 5. I didn’t trust anyone but I longed to be able to talk to people. I’ve definitely made up for that as an adult. Once I get to know you, I don’t shut up. With friends I would be like a chameleon and act whatever way they acted. I had multiple sets of friends and multiple masks I wore. I was never just ME.

This went on through high school. I was bullied a lot b/c I was tall and lanky. Most of my friends were guys….I didn’t date at all in school b/c they all thought of me as “one of the guys”. Trust, I made up for it after high school……thank God there was no social media back then.

As an adult, I let everyone walk all over me. I would let people say or do anything to me and get pissed but never stand up for myself. That all changed several years ago when I was diagnosed with autoimmune disease, specifically Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Fibromyalgia. Because of the pain I’m in ALL THE TIME, I became very bitter. I do still wear a mask though……I act like I’m fine, but I’m not. I’m in constant pain but act like I’m not. I don’t want pity from people, I don’t want nutrition tips b/c they think it’s b/c of my diet (those people piss me off to no end), so I keep it to myself. In the off chance that I have a pain-free day, I overdo it and then pay for it for 3 days after.

I work 40+ hours a week so by the time the weekend comes, I’m dead. I just want to sleep. Sometimes an opportunity arises where I get invited to go out and when I do, I WAY overdo it. I generally don’t drink except on Friday’s b/c it usually takes me 2 days to recover, so drinking nights are saved for Friday’s after work.

I’m trying to get out of that cycle b/c I know I’m going to regret it later in life so I’ve decided to do what I want, when I want and screw the consequences. I can’t look back at my life in 20 years and wonder where all the time went and I have nothing to show for it but sleeping. I’m going to Bama this weekend to hang out with my cousins. I told them I want to go to a country dive bar and get wasted and dance. I don’t dance…..unless I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, the mask comes off. I’m ME. I have to say I’m a damn fun drunk. I don’t do it often, but when I do, everyone is my friend. I literally give no fucks. Not sure how they’ll handle me there but as long as I don’t go to jail, I’ll call it a win.

I speak up for myself now, unlike before. If you piss me off, you’ll know it. I still don’t like confrontation but I’m not going to back down anymore. You can push me so far, but you better watch it.

I’m tired of wearing a mask and blending in. It’s time for people to see me as I am. If you don’t like me, sorry about it; keep walking. I’m finally finding myself. It’s going to be a long road but so far I have no regrets. Think about it…..do you want to be like everyone else and make them happy, or do you want to be YOU and make YOU happy? Just something to ponder…