Obviously, I must start today’s blog by taking a moment to remember all of the 1,000’s of innocents lost on this day 18 years ago. I was at home with my almost 2 month old daughter and my 3 year old. I remember watching TV and the news broke in because the 1st plane hit. As I was watching this, clutching my newborn, I saw the 2nd plane hit. My heart sank…..all those people lost, for what? I will never forget that day, or the lives lost on that day. I pray for the families and friends left behind. I hope they can one day find peace……but it certainly can’t be easy.

I realized at the end of the day yesterday that today was the day I had to meet my husband and his attorney. I called him to see if I could get clarification as to what we were doing today. Were we just going over paperwork or were we actually signing? I needed to mentally prepare myself. Was this divorce my decision? Yes. But I still hurt. I’ve been with this man for almost half of my life. He is an amazing person, father, friend….you name it. I’ll never speak ill of him. He didn’t answer the phone. Immediately, I was worried. Was he ok? I texted my daughter a few hours later to check in. He was fine; he’d gone out after work. I was relieved that he was getting out and doing things. It’s something he’d never done when we were together. He’s living again and I’m happy for him.

He texted me and told me he’d gotten my message. We were meeting to go over the paperwork and sign it. Then the attorney would be submitting it to the court for a judge to sign. Then it hit me……this was really happening. Anxiety set in. I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t sleep.

I got to work this morning a nervous wreck. He’d told me that the paperwork had “harsh” language. That concerned me. When I got to the attorney’s office I was okay. She then brought out all this paperwork. The details are hazy. It went so fast. I asked if I could see the “complaint”. It listed the reason for divorce as my husband stating that the marriage was “irreparably broken”. That hit me like a ton of bricks. What happened to irreconcilable differences? It just sounded so ugly. Tears started to well but I held it together.

Next was the settlement agreement. This was the tough part. WE had already put together the way we wanted things but I guess to see it in legalese made it hard to swallow. I was good until I got to the page about our assets. Our animals were listed first. I saw my Boxer’s name, and then my cat’s name……that’s when the tears came. With each turn of the page, the tears increased. 22 years of my life were flashing in my head. It was all too much. I was so sad that this marriage ended the way it did. I cried for both of us, for our children.

She brought out some tissues and I just kept grabbing more. By the time I signed all the necessary documents, I was a mess. She took all the papers, said it would be filed with the court today and the judge should sign off within 31 to 45 days; that’ll be it. 22 years with a man evaporates in 31 to 45 days. It was so surreal. I held it together the best I could until I got out of the office. At that time, I turned to my husband. He grabbed me and held me and I sobbed. I cried like I cried when I lost my father. This day marked the death of a 22 year marriage. I asked if I could come by the house the see the animals. I told him what got me most was when I saw my cat’s name. He reassured me that when/if I get a bigger place and I can take him he will make sure that I have him. He’ll never keep him from me. But I can’t take him from his home……where he has his 2 doggie brothers and our other cat that he loves to torture. I can’t do that…..so I cried, the whole way to the house.

I got to the house and went outside. The dogs were waiting to pounce. You could tell they’d missed me. I sat on the chair and just held onto my boxer and cried. And he let me. He leaned against me and let me cry into his coat…..and he looked at me with sad eyes. Like he knew. It was awful.

I stayed a few minutes, went upstairs to hug my daughter and tell her I love her and cried on her shoulder. Thankfully, as I was walking down the stairs, my boyfriend called to check on me. To hear his voice, even for just the few minutes that I did, brought me peace.

This divorce is bittersweet. We had a lot of ups and downs. We never once fought in elevated tones. We never called each other names. We had a very healthy respect for each other and a friendship that most people would die for. I wish him nothing but happiness. It’s just not meant to be with me.

So here I am……waiting for the next chapter to begin. I have a love for a man that I cannot begin to explain. It runs deeper than anything I’ve ever felt and it scares the shit out of me. I will follow my heart and my gut. I won’t be hurt again. My heart can’t take it. What little bit of a heart I have left is in this man’s hands and it is precious. I can only pray that he handles it the way it deserves to be held; with absolute unconditional love and care. This will be my last shot at happiness…..not necessarily, by that I mean that should this relationship not work out, I will be alone and I’ll be at peace with that. I’ll have nothing left to give. What I can say is that I 100% believe in my heart that THIS man, is my soulmate. Of that I am sure. I just have to hold on to hope and know that we will be together when the Universe deems the timing as right.