I’ve officially been on my own now for 44 days. It’s daunting. I’m trying to learn to love myself and my self confidence is getting better thanks to a trainer that kicks my ass twice a week. My biggest hurdle is getting into my own head. If I’m alone here at the apartment for more than a few hours, the brain kicks into overdrive.

I’m NOT a patient person. I know what I want and when I want it….problem is, the Universe does not deliver on my time. I’m counting down the seconds to being able to be with the man I never realized existed. Now that I do, it’s frustrating to be so far away with no end in sight. Yet, I push forward. I try to stay busy. I’ve gone out and done some stupid things, like getting wasted, spending money I shouldn’t, etc. I just need something to keep my mind off of not only the past but the future.

I’m stuck in this vicious cycle of self-hatred. How could I have been so weak as to have stayed in a marriage that was never meant to be in the first place? Everything happens for a reason…..without that “relationship”, I wouldn’t have the beautiful girls that I have, however, I can’t help but be bitter with him for allowing the way his family treated me. That resentment is SO very deep. I’ve come to a point with my anger that thinking of being near him makes me angry. I need to get the rest of my things from the house and the thought just makes me sick. We spoke earlier via text and I told him that I need to get the rest of it so I can put a period at the end of that sentence, close that chapter in my life. As long as I have “things” there, I can’t really move on.

I’m most angry at myself for being so weak. I let myself get lost in this farce of a marriage with a man that I tried wholeheartedly to believe loved me only to realize that that was not love. 22 years…..I can’t get it back. I know I have to let it go….I HAVE TO. Otherwise, I’ll never fully be able to move on with my life. I have to make ME happy and stop relying on others to do it for me. I should be basking in this time alone. Working on me. There are days that I’m truly at peace and happy, and then there are days like today where I feel like I’m in this hole that I so desperately need to escape. So that’s the past that I can’t let go of.

Then there’s the future. I think we all worry about our futures and how they’re going to pan out, right? I know what my future includes which is the hard part. I have found someone that loves me for me. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I can tell him anything. We know that our future is together; we just have these hurdles that don’t seem to want to get the hell out of our way. Some would say that’s a sign that it’s not meant to be, or a red flag…..honestly, many have. I know in my heart this is the person the Universe placed in my life at a time that I felt so utterly hopeless and lost. I’m hanging on for dear life.

I have a trip planned at the end of the month. It’s been planned since June. Another thing to look forward to but the time just seems to continue to slow down and it seems forever away. I know it will be an amazing trip and I’ll hopefully learn more about myself and how to take care of me first. I’ve never been first….not even for myself. I deserve that, but it starts with me and I know that. Fingers crossed that I can get there and find what I’ve been looking for…..peace.