Surprise! I’m going to start posting positive stuff! Who knew? Here’s the thing; I’ve spent the last 45 days being sad and angry. Don’t get me wrong, I do still have my days and think they could continue for quite sometime but I’m doing what I can to turn it around. Negativity begets negativity and I just don’t have room in my life for it. It’s time that the things I truly want/need in my life become a reality and the only way for that to happen is to be positive and let the Universe bring it to existence.

With that said, I have to take my blinders off and look at what’s right in front of me. I’ve been really trying to deny what is in front of me bc that would mean that I’m actually deserving of the love that has been right here. That someone could actually encourage me to be ME and accept me for all of my flaws and quirks. Crazy, right? I mean, for the most part of my life I have felt unworthy and unlovable. I grew up in a home where the words “I love you” were NEVER spoken. I married the first man that SEEMED to be “the one” bc he SEEMED to put me on that pedestal I thought I belonged on; treated me like the queen that my dad eventually, on his deathbed, said I deserved.

I never in a million years could have imagined that it was someone from my very distance past. Someone that I went to high school with; and strangely, as a very awkward teenager, had a MASSIVE crush on way back in the day. They always say that love comes when you least expect it. Women are THIRSTY for “the one”. The problem is, men aren’t coming anywhere near a thirsty woman…..something that, sadly, I once was. All it ever got me was a lot of heartbreak.

Now, in a previous post….my first actually, I brought up this person. Honestly, I don’t even remember what I wrote at that time bc it was still fairly new. It still is. Here’s the thing. I haven’t seen him in over a month now and while circumstances aren’t what we’d like them to be at the moment, I find myself feeling like I cannot see my life EVER without him in it. The Universe brought him back into my life at the WORST possible time in my life. I was on the cusp of asking my husband for a divorce. The decision was made well before I started talking to this man. I have to make that painfully clear. People will judge and that’s fine….I really don’t give a shit.

I had FINALLY realized that I deserved more out of my life. I had become “comfortable” with the day to day but each time I really got into my thoughts and really listened to the voice in my head, I KNEW that I had to get out of the marriage. I won’t go back into that time as it’s best, as I decided while I was in my head yesterday, I have to put the past behind me and just look ahead.

I have NEVER in my entire life felt a love that literally touches my very soul. At first, we were just talking as friends; reliving our youth…..in only three days however, the subject of relationships came up. I let him know, as I had my husband MANY times before, that I’d not been happy in over 5 years. What I didn’t realize was that through that very conversation it opened the door to something I never thought could ever happen to me. He shared about his last relationship which is not mine to share but through that, the conversation took a turn, at my doing, no less.

He made a comment about searching for billions of years for the right woman but the Universe had yet to bring her into his life. I was debating on making a comment about it but decided to see how the conversation would continue. A few paragraphs later I typed out, “It could be me! lol” I would have NEVER said that had we been talking on the phone. I’m WAY too shy to do that. Normally, I’d say I’d never say that to anyone no matter what the situation but it literally was there, on the screen, before I had a clue that I sent it.

From that statement, I think I froze……waiting for the response which seemed to take an eternity and of course, his initial response was “Hold on a sec hon. You could be! LOL.” Why would this man want anything to do with me? I was not the greatest catch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the worst catch, by any means, but my self confidence at that point in my life was at it’s lowest. Of course I had to jump back with a “Now I’ve made it weird. Ha Ha.” From there, it just escalated…..I could tell him ANYTHING. There was such a comfort. I was telling him things I’d never shared with anyone before and I hadn’t seen him YEARS. We never really spoke to each other until we started talking through FB.

It’s now been 2 months and I find myself loving him more and more every day. For once in my life, thinking that it feels right, REALLY actually feels right. You know you have that “feeling” at times throughout your life but then there’s the “ONE” that actually hits your soul on such a level you don’t feel like you can take another breath without them. That’s how I feel. We’re hundreds of miles away from each other and I feel like I can’t breathe until I’m actually with him again.

The struggle I have, as always, is letting myself feel the way I do, as deeply as I do and not have it reciprocated, but with him, it’s different. I FEEL that he loves me and that it’s actually deep and sincere. That’s my hope anyway. At this point in our lives, game playing isn’t something we should be about anymore. I don’t get to talk to him as much as I would like……every second of every day wouldn’t be enough right now but I’m lucky to get a few precious minutes a day between texts and phone calls. If he didn’t feel the same way about me that I do him, I can’t imagine that he would go on for this long talking to me at all, so my HEART is telling me that this is it. He’s the one….the one that I have been searching for my entire life. I’ve waited this long, a few more months shouldn’t make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things but it’s almost unbearable. Keeping myself busy is the only way I get through it. That and holding on to what the end goal is, and that is for us to be together permanently. No one has ever made me feel this way. It’s a scary but beautiful thing. This man is the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate.