Updated… It wasn’t a typical Thursday bc it was actually Wednesday. Lol

This installment is going to be all over the place. I don’t even really know where to begin. When emotional, I often times cover it up with humor….at times, when it isn’t “proper” so I’m going to try to push through this one without the jokes. It brings back many not so good memories of a time in my life that I feel incredible shame and regret for. I’ve put off posting about this time in my life for fear of judgement but the whole purpose of this journey of finding peace that I’m on deems it necessary to tackle head on. And…..with the news I received this evening, I have to face it once and for all.

From a previous post (The Road to Forgiveness – Part I), I tackled my molestation as a child. Due to that trauma, I became fearful of any kind of intimacy with men. This went on until I was 21; yes, I was actually a virgin at 21. I was TERRIFIED to be touched in that way. Anyway, I was hanging in a crowd of people through my teen years and into my 20’s that were all about the sex, drugs and rock and roll. I went on tour with some of my local band friends fairly frequently but I was “one of the guys”. They knew not to mess with me. At some point however, I started dating a guy. This was the early 90’s so interracial dating was still very taboo but I liked the guy….enough, I guess. I’m white, he was black.

Let’s jump back to current day for a moment. I received a call this evening that this man had unexpectedly passed away last night. I’m still trying to digest this information as I never really got closure from that relationship. My feelings are all over the place.

Back to the past, as we were dating, I did end up having sex with this man and ended up pregnant. I was a very naive 21 year old girl. I cut myself a little more slack now that I have my own 21 year old daughter and I see how she can, at times lack simple common sense. At any rate, I was living with my parents at the time and did have a full time job but not making anywhere near the money I needed to make to support a child. This man, the father, immediately tucked tail and was ready to bail. My father and brother pretty much disowned me and refused to talk to me. My mother really just didn’t speak about it.

Most of my friends were in my ear telling me that no one would adopt a child of mixed race so the “right” thing to do was to have an abortion. I was against abortion for so long, unless it was a situation of rape, incest or medical issues for the mother that would put her own life at risk. This was a true test. My father told me that I could stay with them until I had the baby but after that, I had to move out. He would NOT accept it. My father passed away 15 years ago and on his deathbed apologized profusely for the things he said and the way he acted during that time, not realizing how badly it would affect me. I was determined to have the baby, however with everyone in my ear, I caved and went the route I can’t imagine any woman would ever WANT to do and that was the abortion.

This man was not here for me. My parents paid for it. He called me later that day and told me that I murdered his child. Lest we forget, he wanted NOTHING to do with it or me so I felt backed into a corner. I suffered tremendously. I still do, to this day. I remember the due date and I mourn that child every year.

So this is where my feelings are scattered. As much as I was angry with him for doing what he did to me (abandoning me at a very important time in my life) I would never, ever in a million years think he would be gone like this. He was only 54 years old. Much too young. I don’t have any details yet. One of my “brothers” called me and told me about it as I was leaving work, himself still in shock. Neither of us knew what to say. They had been in a band together at one time. They had their issues as well. Part of it being me and how he had treated me through this time in my life.

I’ve grown a lot in the past 25 years. This time haunted me up until just this year. I’m finally starting to forgive myself. I’ve forgiven myself but I don’t think I will ever get to the point that I’m not mourning my child. Now….I have no way to forgive him, or let him know that he’s forgiven. I can pray about it. I’ve “talked” to him as I sit here and have told him I forgive him. I know he’s left behind a wife and 5 children. I feel terribly for them. Some of the kids are still quite young. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around.

I pray that he’s in a better place; that he got himself together at some point between then and now. I know he was a family man at the end. I’ve seen pictures and he looked happy so I genuinely hope that was how he spent his last days…..happy, with his family.

May he rest in peace and his family find the solace they need in this most difficult time. That’s pretty much all I have at the moment. Again, I’m still trying to process this whole thing.