This journey to finding peace is a long, hard road. Just when I think I’m pulling myself out of it, I fall down again. I went “home” yesterday bc it was my cat’s 3rd birthday. Yes, my animals celebrate their birthdays. Little did I know that I’ll only see them one more time. The 2nd reason I went was bc I wanted to talk to my soon to be ex-husband. There were many things I needed to say face to face. I needed to see if there was any guilt in his expressions as I told him how he’d allowed his family to hurt me and his kids for so long. He looked like he felt guilty, but did he ever apologize? No…..it’s a family trait. They don’t apologize. That means they were wrong. I could go into so many other things. I could trash him until the cows come home but the only person I’m hurting by doing all that is myself.

You see, I’m the type of person that won’t give up on wanting an apology when I KNOW you’ve wronged me. Especially over a 22 year span. Now, who am I the most mad at? Myself, of course. I have 2 things and only 2 things that are positive that came out of all of that wasted time…..my daughters. Thankfully, they are at an age where we don’t have to fight over custody. Granted, my youngest isn’t speaking to me for reasons I can’t explain bc she won’t tell me. I saw her a month ago for a weekend and we had a great time. After that? Radio silence. Won’t return calls or texts. Finally told me that I hurt her but refuses to tell me why. I told her I’m here for her when she’s ready but I will not be yelled at or disrespected. I can only imagine that she blames me for leaving and moving on to something that makes me happy AND that her dad is moving on. See he made everyone think he was so devastated, yet two weeks after I left he’s seeing someone else. So much for the devastation….Again, I could go on for months but again, I chose to put up with it and for that I hate myself. I was so weak….to stay in a relationship where I had absolutely NO value. I lost me.

The past few weeks I’ve been on this rollercoaster. Some days I’m GREAT and then there are days like this…..I’m SO angry. Not just at myself but at the world, at him, at God….mostly me bc I can’t let myself let go of the anger. I think it’s bc I feel like I deserve the apologies and without them I’m frozen. At the same time, what better revenge is there than to JUST. LET. GO. Do me. Love who I love and accept the love he has for me bc it’s leagues above anything I’ve ever received before. I can no longer expect an apology. If I did get one, it wouldn’t be sincere; it would only be said to pacify me. So I have to move on. I’m so much stronger than this which is what makes it so much more frustrating to me. UGH!!!! If I weren’t in an apartment, I’d scream at the top of my lungs.

Its finally my turn to live and time for me to stop wasting what precious time I have left on this earth. I have so much love left to give and the person that deserves it doesn’t need to keep hearing about this anger I’m dealing with. He needs to know that I’m done with the pity parties and the anger bc as long as I keep feeling those things, I haven’t truly moved on. It’s time.

As Mandisa says in the song Press On:

When I’m alone, when I’m afraid
When I have had all I can take
Losing my grip, I start to slip away
When I can hear the voice of doubt
Inside my head, screaming loud
Strengthen my faith, and help me say
Today, today, I will follow, I will press on
Even when the walk feels long
Your hands hold me together
Your love is with me forever
Through the broken, through the victory
I will praise You through it all
And run hard ’til the race is done
I, I’m gonna press on, press on, I’m gonna press on, press on