So it’s been too long since my last post so this one will be long and all over the place. Where to start…..the good, the bad or the ugly? We’ll just go in title order……

Shits…….I had my first colonoscopy last week. They also did an endoscopy. The people that told me it’s the best nap you’ll ever have were so right. It was AMAZING!!! But let’s talk about the part leading up to that….I told the doctor that I had a drinking problem….not a DRINKING problem (although, that could almost be a possibility too.) but a problem with drinking a lot of fluids. I just don’t drink much. I’d heard that the prep involved drinking a gallon or more of fluids. There was no way…..so she prescribed Plenvu. There are two parts of this made from Satan himself prep. The first one (16 oz.) I had to drink in 30 minutes. It was a lovely blend of mango and 10 lbs of melted salt block. Not really, but that’s what the hell it tasted like. It was HORRID. Once that was gone, I could drink 16 more ounces of whatever I wanted as long as there was no red or purple dye in it. 15 minutes later…….I cannot relive it so you can just imagine. I couldn’t even get out of the freaking bathroom before running back. It was BAD! Not much sleep was to be had that night…..At 6 AM the next morning I had to do the second dose. This one was two packets and it tasted like fruit punch…….and a 10 lb melted salt block. I swore there could be no way there was anything left in my body. No way…..yes way. It started all over again. Sweet baby Jesus…..the procedure was at 12:30 pm. All went well….they took two biopsies from my esophagus and one from my stomach. A little disconcerting but I have to wait a few weeks for the results. Thankfully, I don’t have to do it again for 5 years.

Mean kids……oh, where do I start here? I hadn’t spoken to my youngest daughter, the 18 year old in almost 2 months. We had texted and she’d agreed to meet me this past weekend to talk things out. I texted her on Thursday to confirm we were still on and she sent back a flat out “no”. No explanation. I pressed for info. She blasted me. I made her dad cry and he was so stressed out and I hurt him and why don’t I just leave him alone and let him live his life. This kid knows NOTHING of what is going on. My ex has told her nothing…..but he also hasn’t made sure he’s in a “safe” place when talking on the phone so she overheard him say I was taking him to court. She didn’t know the context. She just knew I’d hurt her dad. She lives with him so she only sees his pain. She doesn’t see mine. Trust me, there’s plenty of that here too. You don’t divorce after 22 years and not feel any pain. It’s been awful. He’s the father of my kids. He’ll always have a place in my heart; we just aren’t compatible or meant to be married. Nothing I said could get through to her. NOTHING. She said she didn’t want anything to do with me EVER until I stopped hurting her dad. I literally broke that day. I’d lost my entire life essentially…..I’m alone, I have no one here to hug me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I have that someone that I am head over heels for but what can he do all those miles away other than offer words of support and encouragement? It’s just not the same as having someone physically in your presence to hold you and comfort you. I had a complete and total breakdown that day. I saw my psychiatrist that day, thank God, and cried my eyes out to him. He’s seen both of my girls so he gets it. He told me to back off and let my daughter come to me, so that’s what I’m TRYING to do…..but it’s hard. I miss her. My oldest is my rock. She’s keeping me together. Her sister, she says, is miserable and is using the situation to deter her father from laying down the law and making her get a job or go to school. He won’t speak to me either so there’s no way for me to co-parent. Not to mention, she’s an “adult” so she doesn’t have to listen to me. How do you get through life when your kid has shut you out completely? Not only that, for reasons that are so totally wrong?

Epiphanies……..being here, by myself for the first time in my life, I’ve had a LOT of time to think. I’ve been ALL in my head. EVERY day……Some days I’m great; I feel happy. I think about my future both near and far. I try not to live in the past because it’s done but there are times it rears it’s ugly head. I’m doing everything I can to stay positive. I’m confident that good things are coming and great days are ahead but I do still have some REALLY bad days too. I went to lunch with one of my best friends today and we were chatting about my anxiety, which has been bad. I am leaving to go on my spiritual retreat to Sedona this weekend and couldn’t be more excited. I really think that it is going to be a very healing experience, I hope. As I was driving back to work, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve taken care of people for 22 years. I’m suddenly an empty nester, going through a divorce, living on my own for the first time, with no one to take care of. I no longer feel like anyone needs me. It really stung the more I thought about it. I long to take care of people. I’m the mother hen to all of my younger friends. Now, I’m in this apartment every day after work, with no one to talk to, no one to hug. The weekends aren’t much better. More of the same. If I DO go out, I get ridiculed by family for partying too much. I’ve been out 3 times since I moved out. I’d hardly call that partying. More like drowning my emotional pain in the bottle. Not much better but 3 times is hardly an issue. I sent a message to my love telling him about it and he replied back, “I need you. Going to be okay.” Words can’t describe how that made me feel. But sadly…it’s hard to take care of someone that far away. It’s not forever. I know that some day soon we’ll be together and things will be amazing. It’s what I deserve….I’m done settling. It’s me time. It’s taken me far too long to come to the realization that I’m worth something. It’s time for me to take care of me. Baby steps…..it’s taking time but I’m doing it. One foot in front of the other…..hour by hour…..day by day. It’s all you can do. As long as you keep moving, that’s what matters.