There are two situations that I have struggled with in trying to forgive someone that has hurt me. I feel like I will never truly be “well” until I can release this pain and forgive these people, but how? I’ll do this in two parts as I have so much I need to release.

I was 5 years old. Your cousins, who were 7 at the time, came to my house to get me because they found a huge frog and they wanted to take it up to show your brother. Back then, you didn’t have to worry about being abducted…..or maybe you did and we just didn’t. The three of us jumped on our bikes and rode up the street.

I don’t remember who answered the door, shit, I was 5 years old, I shouldn’t remember any of this, but I do. EVERY. SINGLE. DISGUSTING. DETAIL. Your brother was in your room with you so we took it back and showed it to him. The boys walked out of the bedroom with me trailing behind. You were standing at the doorway and you put your arm out to stop me. I was scared of you because you were so much bigger than me but never could have imagined what was about to happen to me. I WAS 5 YEARS OLD AND YOU WERE 15!!!

You started by questioning me where we found the frog, as I was answering you were forcing me backwards into the room and closing and locking the door. Your mom, sister, brother, grandmother and two cousins all knew I was back there, but no one came for me. I’ll address that at the end.

You had a laundry basket of clean clothes on your dresser. You grabbed a pair of socks and told me to pull down my pants. I told you that my mom was making me pancakes and would be looking for me. You didn’t care. You shoved the sock in my mouth and pulled down my pants. Then you forced me on the floor. You pulled down your pants and pushed yourself against me. I just remember the tears flowing down my face and not looking at you, praying you wouldn’t hurt me.

The next thing I remember, because maybe I blocked some of whatever happened leading up to this out, was trying to walk out the bedroom door and you wouldn’t let me. You made me climb out of your window…..your cousins were already gone home. I grabbed my bike and I pedaled home as fast as I could, tears flowing down my broken face the entire way.

When I got in the door I was hysterical. My mom was never very maternal but I remember running in the kitchen to tell her that you had touched me. She took me upstairs and checked me out. That was it. She told my dad when he got home. He was furious, but no police were called. I was never put in therapy. I was terrified of boys/men until well after high school. You stole my innocence. I put myself into therapy a 18 and realized then that I had extreme anxiety issues. Who knew……

There are times in my life that I replay that scene over and over in my head. I want to confront you. I know how to get to you. I’ve spoken to your cousins. I found out you did the same things to them…..and your own brother. I later found out you did it to a friend of mine that lived across the street from you. How many kids did you hurt? I live with the guilt of not “telling”. I did, but the police should have been called and they weren’t. How many other kids could have been saved? Are you still doing this now? I go through my head the ways I could hurt you but it won’t change the 5 year old little girl that you destroyed that day.

I can only hope that you are living the most miserable life Karma can dish out to you and I take comfort in knowing you’ll go to hell for what you did…..at least I hope so. I want to forgive you because they say until you forgive those that have wronged you, you can’t be free. I just don’t know how and I know that for as long as I don’t forgive you, you still have power over me and it makes me sick.